When all the world is young, lad,
And all the trees are green;
And every goose a swan, lad,
And every lass a queen;
Then hey for boot and horse, lad,
And round the world away:
Young blood must have its course, lad,
And every dog his day.
Dudes, it’s that time again.
I remember how, when I used to be a real live human guy that is, what the Christmas season was like.
I was always trying to find excuses to avoid shopping with my girlfriend, never knowing what to do about gifts, the parties at work (which I don’t really want to talk about rrrrrrufffff!), the food, the cookies, the lights that always kept falling off the tree and the tree that always kept falling sideways in the middle of the night . . . .
I don’t envy you guys who are human. No way. It took me some getting used to, being a dog – but I gotta say it’s great. I’ve learned a lot of stuff and since you guys haven’t been lucky enough to somehow become a dog like me I gotta tell you the good stuff.
Forget the gifts. I know you want to. I know you probably have anyway. Forget the parties – the hangovers aren’t worth the look down the receptionist’s low-cut Santa Claus and Reindeer sweater while pretending to admire the embroidery work on it as she reaches over the punchbowl to get another Ritz cracker topped with that weird ham spread.
But don’t forget the tree. Dudes, the tree is the thing. And as a dog, I gotta tell you the best thing about it.
You can pee on it.
Have you ever gone out into the backyard on a cold winter’s night just to pee on an evergreen tree? This is a holiday activity worth doing, guys. It’s not only about the stars in the sky, the possums dragging around nearby, the cat you’re really into for no good reason you can think of who lives next door.
It’s about how high you can aim. Take a sniff, know your opponents (they’ve left their mark, guys) and aim to beat their score.
Nothing like it, dudes. Nothing. like. it.
Remember, the holiday season comes but once a year. Be a dog. Make this tree a part of your holiday.
Damn, it’s so much better than a mall.