Katerina la Vermintz: The Peas and Queues of Cookery

Greetings to all! It has come to my attention that my esteemed colleagues, Catty Moira and Barry the Dog, believe they are the meow and woof of cookery philosophers, and that is why I am appearing here today. I am busy, busy, busy! and it has been most difficult since I am still stuck permanently in this yogic position but the truth of things should be known so I have found a scanty bit of moment to spare to allow for the dissemination of philosophic correctness.

First, my particulars. I have lived forever. And a day. There is more knowledge about the manners of the table in any one speck of my soul than in any of Brillat-Savarin’s (I call him Brillie) interminable sentences.

I have dined with the best of the ages. And a Philosophy has been formed. It is this: Beware of cookery. It can be dangerous. Fraught with difficulties no lady should ever have to face. Particularly if they are stuck in a yogic position. If the lady is stuck in a yogic position the best thing to do is to eat raw foods and allow your live-in boyfriend and children to fend for themselves.

You will not initially want to believe this, I do know that, ma petite. Talley-Ho (Talleyrand, to you) often told me that a picture is worth a thousand words when he wanted to show me his etchings, and after having seen his etchings, I’ve become quite taken with the idea! Allow me to show you a few pictures of the most easily found dangers in cookery. Then, Dear Reader – you will Decide For Yourself.

Mais oui! Le shock electrique! You will be fried! And if you think this can only happen in the new industrial kitchens I have news for you! Regardez ici!!!!

In summary, I will say to you: Learn these words – ‘Take-Out’. You will be doing your business community a service while saving your own skin.

A tout l’heure! Till the next time destiny twines our paths.

Katerina la Vermintz

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Dangerous Illustrations provided by brepettis – from Thirty Ways to Shock Yourself on flickr

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Questions You May Often Have Thought About: Heat vs. Knives

Anyone providing reasons for their answers wins extra karmic points in the Great Kitchen Above.

Just click on the little buttons next to your answer to vote.
To view results click on the little button at the bottom where it says that.
Easy as pie! (Easier, even . . .) 🙂

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Cooking Without a Kitchen

It’s a Guy Thing with Barry Fig

I gotta tell you, it’s been a bad week. First that chick at the Farmer’s Market I told you about (why’d she have to be like that, dudes? Why?) and now this.

A couple of days ago my bud Stu Shotzy was over. We went four-wheeling and got kinda messy so he went to get cleaned up

and as he was drying off I tossed him a beer and he shook and jumped so hard both at the same time trying to catch it that somehow water went flying all over the place and hit an electrical outlet and everything went dead. Fried. Gone. Kaput.

Not him, dudes. He was alive. It was the kitchen that was dead. The fuses or wires or whatever got kiboshed.

I’m going to pick up a “How To” book this week so I can fix it but in the meantime – well I gotta tell you. It’s been bad. Hardees’ six times a day is wearing me out. It’s not like anything else is going good either.

Worst off all is my current project. “Barry’s Big Doodle”. I’m having a lot of problems with that. The damn thing isn’t working right. As you can see.

But crisis creates opportunity. So I’m looking on the bright side. I found a video on how to cook without a kitchen

made by this guy Chef Nam so I’m gonna try that later today. Listen. If the guy’s a chef, I trust him. It’s gotta be good.

The other really great thing I found at the grocery store were these really cool limited-editions of Jello. Three flavors even – pina colada; margarita; and strawberry daiquiri! I can use the microwave at work to make those. Can’t wait.

But that’s my week, guys. Full of problems. But in problems there’s opportunity.

If anybody has any ideas for my doodle, let me know.

Additional resources: Jello Confronts the Depression. (From the Gallery of Regrettable Foods)

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